Friday, October 15, 2010

A Bimbo's Viewpoint on the highly charged 'Blonde Marriage' debate

Linda Strawberry outlines her viewpoint on the controversial subject of blonde marriage that has recently taken hold of the public discourse.

I believe that if we let people with Blonde hair get married it will cheapen the value of our non-blonde marriages. I define marriage to be between two non-blonde people. But don’t call me blonde-aphobic. I have a friend or two with blonde hair. I sometimes watch shows with people with blonde hair like Ellen. I just don’t think blonde haired marriages are moral

Many of you may be surprised to find out that I agree wholeheartedly with this viewpoint. Civil unions are more than enough, marriage is a religious institution and should be kept out of civil law entirely. I don't care what dark-haired people get up to in their religious enclaves, but the Constitution firmly guarantees a separation of Church and State. Let's keep it that way.

It's only because the dark-haired people controlled the early State that marriage and public law became so co-mingled. I know I'm a bit out there in my belief about this, but between the dark-haired people's desire to enshrine marriage in law and the deluded blonde's desire to mimic the poor dark-haired people who have been in control of the entire framework of society for too long, I think they are both fighting for the wrong thing.

I believe marriage should be removed from civil law entirely and not pollute it. Justices of the peace should only be able to perform civil unions for blondes and non-blondes alike and priests and the religious can have their marriages to themselves. I think it's a pity that so many blondes wish to ape their dark-haired counterparts, relinquishing their position as the people who push the boundaries of culture, breaking the molds of intolerance built into our society by the emotionally crippled dark-haired. We blondes embrace diversity and are accepting of all, regardless of their hair-color and fashion-sense.

This will serve both blondes and non-blondes admirably. The dark-haired and their regressive churches that refuse to marry blondes can keep to themselves, the churches that celebrate hair-color rights and diversity and allow them to marry may choose to do so, and everyone wins when old fashioned religious notions are removed from ensconcement in civil law.

Seeking marriage for all is a vane attempt by the blondes to achieve "equality" with the dark-haired people when, in fact, they are superior in every way. I call upon the other blondes to shake off the shackles of cultural convention and leave the dark-haired people and their quaint notions of marriage to molder with their rapidly obsolete non-light hair colors.

Blondes are happier, freer people when they are acting the most blonde. We lack the brooding, overly intellectualized and easily emotionally upset stereotype that haunts the dark-haired people. The poor, misbegotten people that go to ever darker haircolors with their 'Goth' and 'Emo' lifestyles and clothing especially need our acceptance. These people choose to ostracize themselves from even regular, dark-haired culture in an attempt to show their 'non-conformity' by coloring their hair black and dressing all in black like the other 'non-conformists'. They can't break away from their 'non-conformist' mold long enough to see that they have merely established another sub-culture that demands conformity to its conventions for full admittance and to be seen as 'one of them.'

Many of my friends are Goth and they have accepted me into their midst. I am truly grateful for that. They understand and appreciate oppression by the majority of the dark-haired culture, for they too have been rejected by 'mainstream' dark-hair culture. I fit in well there, they never prejudge me for not having dark-hair and all I need to do is show a bit of solidarity by wearing 'Gothy' clothing. And who doesn't enjoy 'walking on the wild-side' a little by wearing really 'out there' Goth clothing and it's taboo-pushing fetish styles. We blondes are often seen as overly sexualized and fetish ourselves.

Blondes are accepting and tolerant of many people with different hair-colors, welcoming them into our cultural refuges when we are denied entry into theirs. Our pride in our blondeness is evident with our very flamboyant Blonde Pride parades where even the dark-haired come to celebrate blondeness with us. And the acronym BDPR (Blonde, Dirty-Blonde, Platinum, and Redhead) has made it into the mainstream cultural landscape.

The poor redheads aren't mentioned much even by us, but they truly are the 'redheaded step-children' of society. Blondes have gained great cultural acceptance, able to hold hands and kiss in public for example, and many popular sitcoms now have a 'token blonde' to be the butt of stereotypical jokes. Whereas redheads are still mostly looked upon as rare 'freaks of nature'. Many comedians have dressed as redheads for a cheap laugh, but drag redhead performers like Bozo and Ronald McDonald have begun to open inroads into mainstream culture. But they are still laughed at and snickered at behind their backs as 'over the top' with their highly stylized makeup.

Only the foolishly serious, dark-haired people need marriage because that's they only way they can get regular sex - everyone wants to party and have fun with the blondes, not them. Marriage is only a trap created by the dark-haired people to capture a blonde and keep them captive so they can have regular sex with one of us. Keep the blondes free where they belong.

Even when married, the dark-haired people often sneak away from their partner to have illicit affairs with blondes. Many public figures have been caught with their pants down with blondes and their political careers have died because of it. Going so far as to hire blonde escorts or having frantic sex with a blonde in a dirty, public bathroom to avoid being seen as 'closet blonde' themselves.

So many people go through their "college blonde" phase and their "blonde-curious" stage of development, but we all know it's only a rebellion against their parents. They eventually return to their drab brunette ways, unable to cope with the blonde lifestyle and the disapproval of friends and family.

Blondes take better care of themselves, often looking and dressing better than brunettes. We dress in sexier clothes and wear better makeup than them. I fully support the metro-blonde fad with their blonde tips and highlights, their increased attention to personal hygiene, and their progressive fashion sense. Who wants to look at fat, ugly, dark-haired people anyway? This at least makes them publicly presentable. But that has it's problems, everyone thinks they are closet blondes and not as 'serious' as other dark-haired people.

Blondes define fashion and culture, often being the creators or modelers of the best and newest fashion. We are sought out to pose nude in 'blonde' magazines, which we know almost every dark-haired person has a subscription to and hides from perusal by others. Especially by their non-blonde spouses.

I deeply regret the attitudes of the conservative, religious dark-haired people who think they need to 'cure' blondes with re-education camps where they try to show us how 'unnatural' blondeness is and to brainwash us into accepting the drab, boring dark-haired lifestyle and convince us to abandon our blondeness and 'pass' amongst normal culture by dying our hair dark. Thankfully, we blondes often lack enough brains to wash.

They try to demonstrate that 'blondeness' is only a recent aberration brought about by the development of hair dyes and bleach when any person with a knowledge of history knows that blondes have been here all along.

I personally belong to the very progressive 'Blonde Bimbo' movement, with our increased emphasis on happiness and acceptance of everyone. Unhappy emotions are tiresome and unnecessary and we promote the appreciation of rainbows and butterflies as objects of true beauty.

I applaud early Bimbo pioneers such as Mae West and Marilyn Monroe who bucked the standards of their day and were open, obvious blonde bimbos paving the way for the rest of us to follow in their high-heeled footsteps. Especially Marilyn, who in the highly charged 60s Civil Rights era, made the culturally landmark 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes' movie, asserting that blondes have a place in society and that we will no longer be ignored. Her performance of 'Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend', cemented her place as one of the blonde bimbo icons, expressing what we all hold dear to our hearts - shiny, expensive, pretty things.

It is a shame that she died during that era like many other notable civil rights icons, killed by a society eager to stick with the old ways and fearful of what it would become if bimbos were allowed equality. Perhaps her dying at her peak has set her up as a martyr for the bimbo cause and a pinnacle of acceptance, happiness, and bimboness that many of us can aspire to.


Peter Stindberg said...

lol, that made my day! Amazing!

Tiessa said...

Thank you! *mwah*

I had so much fun writing it - I'm still giggling to myself :D