Sunday, May 25, 2008

Speaking Of Bad Grammar And My Love Life...

Speaking of bad grammar and my love life, for some reason, Power Source blog is running a poll, "Is Veyron and Tiessa a Item?" First, it should be "Are Tiessa and Veyron an Item?" I have to have top billing, my adoring fans expect no less. And second, the post is Power Source's 69th post, an amusing coincidence.

Now, if she'd only stop following me around and saying, "Wanna fcuk?" all the time...

And I thought she was angry at me for the last one...

The Bad Grammar Of SecondLife Love

They met each other in a cheap, generic mall stuffed full of shops selling the same recycled, four-year old freebies as everywhere else. The freebies were just as ugly as the day they were made, but now they were free, on sale for L$1, and wrapped in a blinking, rotating, particle spewing box labeled "Hot ClothesFor Women!!!!!!" by a newbie merchant, high on the dream of selling one to each of the six million avatars in SecondLife and through the clever ruse of calling it free while charging L$1, he would be rich and able to afford all the sexgen beds he wanted.

"Wanna fcuk?" BigStud34 Hunglo said, looking just like M Linden on his first day, but without pants and sporting a freebie prim cock. The 14-year old, pimply-faced boy behind the avatar's keyboard was already feverishly jerking off and desperately hoped his mom wouldn't walk in and ask him about his unfinished math homework.

"yes stud I horney 4u," 1SexySlut Muffin replied, walking like a duck and still wearing her Linden standard issue purple top and injection-molded hair. The 350 pound, grizzled truck-driver behind the avatar's keyboard put down his chili, cheese dog with everything, wiped his food encrusted hand on the ancient Harley Davidson shirt stretched to the limit that had been used as a napkin too many times in the past, licked his fingers clean as his other hand slid under his mountainous belly, and quickly probed through his hair-covered folds of fat for his cock and thought, "Damn, I am sexy."

They both quickly hopped on the nearest pink and blue pose balls helpfully labeled with "Take Bhind(F)" and "Make luv(M)"; the same freebie sex animations scattered everywhere across the landscape like pink and blue X-rated popcorn. Quickly their avatars moved in jerky, four-framed animations mimicking sex no more accurately than a Ken and Barbie doll pushed together by a giggling ten-year old boy snooping around in his sister's closet. BigStud34 humped 1SexySlut from behind, his ugly prim cock poking out of her back as she jerked beneath him with her face and hands buried beneath the ground.

"you sxy I stick big dick in you," the boy typed with one hand as sweat poured down his peach fuzz covered cheeks that had never been touched by a razor.

"ooo do me fuck di8ck," the truck-driver poked out slowly with one finger as his other hand wiggled the tiny cock that he had happily found nestled between curly-haired walls of flesh pressed together by the fat of fried Oreos eaten long ago.

"cum in u b1tch," the youth raggedly entered on the sticky keys of his World Of Warcraft branded keyboard as he accidentally dribbled cum on his half-finished math homework, hoping he could tell the teacher the stain was dried mayonnaise.

"ooo i cum 2 ... i 4ck ooo ...," the large man entered as he squirted cum onto his steel-toed shit-kicking boots. He slumped back, his sweat-covered, hairy ass making sucking sounds on the cracked vinyl chair as he smiled showing his crooked teeth stained yellow from years of chewing tobacco. Lifting his dirty hat that said "John Deere" and scratching his bald head ringed by long, greasy hair, he thought, "Wow he's good at this, I haven't been this turned on since I saw the elf dance in World of Warcraft."

Spent and not even saying "bye" they both quickly logged out thinking, "I'm in love," and then realized that in their lust for each other they'd forgotten to "Friend" their new, perfect lover.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Anshe Chung Isn't The Only One Attacked By Flying Penises

Is SecondLife imitating RealLife or RealLife imitating SecondLife? Which world was the first to give flight to the penis?

Gary Kasparov, internationally known chess champion who is now a political activist, was giving a press conference when a dildo, equipped with helicopter blades, took flight.

Link to the original video on a page with no embedding code for the video.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

7 Skills Every Man Should Master

Esquire has an article about the "75 Skills Every Man Should Master." They advise men to be able to "Give advice that matters in one sentence" and "Tell if someone is lying." I'm certain they can provide a sure-fire recipe for doing those things in one paragraph in a magazine.

Or how about "Score a baseball game?" Don't they have people that do that for a living? Aren't they the ones guys watch on TV all the time blathering on about scores? Disclaimer: I once knew how to score a baseball game, my father showed me how to do it in the program for the game. I couldn't remember how to do it the next day. Now, if I go to a baseball game, I just oooh and ahhh over the little squiggles the guy draws in the tiny boxes and think, "You can sit on your butt for nine innings and drink beer, next, little do you know it, I am taking you shopping and you can carry my bags for a few hours and work off some of those empty calories. Besides you are getting your daily blowjob later today, what do you have to complain about?"

There are definitely a few I really appreciate:
Not monopolize the conversation - I don't really care what happened in a baseball game that was played twenty years before you were born. I really don't.
Sew a button - I am not your wife or your mother, you go figure out how to sew your own button. Even if I were your wife, I'd still just give you the address to the tailor's and tell you that if you hurry up, they will still be open.
Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it - If you have to ask, that wasn't an orgasm that was a sneeze.
Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped - And be able to tell me the probability of that occurring. Also, be able to tell me at least one practical use of quantum mechanics - hint: computers.
Feign interest - I'm going to cover quantum physics and the new summer fashions I saw in Cosmo in this conversation and I better not see a yawn. Remember the daily blowjob.
Make a bed - See above under not being wife or mother.
Iron a shirt - wife, mother, yadda.

This one is very wrong:
Hit a jump shot in pool. It's not something you use a lot, but when you hit a jump shot, it marks you as a player and briefly impresses women - That appreciative smile isn't from being impressed with your pool playing it was from checking out the ass on that cute guy who walked by and smiled at me while you were shooting pool and trying to impress me. Hint: He was paying attention to me, you were playing with your balls.

I think they missed a few crucial ones, so here are my seven additions to the list:

7) Pick up the dirty socks off the bedroom floor.
6) Put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.
5) Clean the sink after shaving.
4) Know how to use a mop.
3) Carry shopping bags for more than 20 minutes without whining.
2) Ask for directions before we are late for the event.
1) Cunnilingus

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I'm Cartoon Hot and Dumb

I posted my image on FaceStat and evidently, I'm CartoonHot and a bit dim-witted.

attractive: hot stuff
ethnicity: Caucasian / White
weight: skinny
political affiliation: very liberal
relationship status: dating
intoxicated: sober
gender: female
trustworthy: not to be trusted
age: 17
intelligence: dull

Oh, and slutty too.