Wednesday, May 14, 2008

7 Skills Every Man Should Master

Esquire has an article about the "75 Skills Every Man Should Master." They advise men to be able to "Give advice that matters in one sentence" and "Tell if someone is lying." I'm certain they can provide a sure-fire recipe for doing those things in one paragraph in a magazine.

Or how about "Score a baseball game?" Don't they have people that do that for a living? Aren't they the ones guys watch on TV all the time blathering on about scores? Disclaimer: I once knew how to score a baseball game, my father showed me how to do it in the program for the game. I couldn't remember how to do it the next day. Now, if I go to a baseball game, I just oooh and ahhh over the little squiggles the guy draws in the tiny boxes and think, "You can sit on your butt for nine innings and drink beer, next, little do you know it, I am taking you shopping and you can carry my bags for a few hours and work off some of those empty calories. Besides you are getting your daily blowjob later today, what do you have to complain about?"

There are definitely a few I really appreciate:
Not monopolize the conversation - I don't really care what happened in a baseball game that was played twenty years before you were born. I really don't.
Sew a button - I am not your wife or your mother, you go figure out how to sew your own button. Even if I were your wife, I'd still just give you the address to the tailor's and tell you that if you hurry up, they will still be open.
Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it - If you have to ask, that wasn't an orgasm that was a sneeze.
Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped - And be able to tell me the probability of that occurring. Also, be able to tell me at least one practical use of quantum mechanics - hint: computers.
Feign interest - I'm going to cover quantum physics and the new summer fashions I saw in Cosmo in this conversation and I better not see a yawn. Remember the daily blowjob.
Make a bed - See above under not being wife or mother.
Iron a shirt - wife, mother, yadda.

This one is very wrong:
Hit a jump shot in pool. It's not something you use a lot, but when you hit a jump shot, it marks you as a player and briefly impresses women - That appreciative smile isn't from being impressed with your pool playing it was from checking out the ass on that cute guy who walked by and smiled at me while you were shooting pool and trying to impress me. Hint: He was paying attention to me, you were playing with your balls.

I think they missed a few crucial ones, so here are my seven additions to the list:

7) Pick up the dirty socks off the bedroom floor.
6) Put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.
5) Clean the sink after shaving.
4) Know how to use a mop.
3) Carry shopping bags for more than 20 minutes without whining.
2) Ask for directions before we are late for the event.
1) Cunnilingus


October Hush said...

I have one that's not on the list, and it's one that most men will not own up to. Every man needs to learn this...I don't know if I'd call it a skill or not...more like a reality:

If a woman says she isn't interested in you, no matter how much you "work on her", she most likely will remain uninterested in you. We have this funny thing we call "chemistry" that just happens, and it doesn't happen with every guy we meet. Sorry, boys!

Tiessa said...

"How to recognize the obvious?" Maybe that's the skill - if I say, "no, I don't want to go to a free sex area with someone I've never met before," I could actually mean what I'm saying.

But maybe that's just a lie and I really am turned on by newbies with freebie cocks who, without preamble, say, "wanna fcuk?" [sic]

October Hush said...

That too, but I was referring to men in RL. I guess it's the same.