Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I Love Sailors

I was reading a post about The Alliance Navy on Second Life Insider and I remembered an amusing, at least to me, anecdote.

A friend of mine and I were wandering around SL looking at the sights. I came upon a nice, secluded hot tub high in the mountains. Looking up, I saw this immense "space platform" for want of a better word. Flying up and looking around, I saw that it had planes, runways, offices, and other boy toys. I didn't know about the "sit teleport" technique, otherwise I would have gone inside to get a better look. Against the rules? Rules have rarely applied to me.

Flying down, we came upon a military base - replete with guards, guns, gantries, and, I later found out, grenades. I went up to talk to the nice soldier on guard to ask her about the base and what it was for. She said it was The Alliance Navy.

Fascinated, I asked more questions.

"What do you do?"

"Stand guard," was the answer this very literal minded soldier gave me.

Sighing, I asked a little more explicitly, "What does your The Alliance Navy do?"

"I'm a new recruit, I don't know much about that yet, they haven't trained me."

I wanted to yell, "Did you read the brochure at least?" at her. I didn't, it wouldn't be polite.

Okay, they gave her a gun, they must have told her something, so, I asked her, "Who are you guarding against? Who is the enemy?"

I think she was surprised at that one, it took a long time for her to answer, "I'm supposed to keep people out."

Evidently, the enemy is 'people'? For all our sakes I hope the gun isn't loaded.

Thinking that there has to be a reason to do this, and the only way someone could get me to stand around like this would be for money, I asked, "How much do they pay you?"

"They don't pay me. I do this for free," came the reply.

Don't know what your group does. Don't know what you are guarding against. No idea who to keep out. Not making any money from it. Not exactly the poster child for attracting new recruits. At least she knows the name of the group. And people think Goreans are weird, at least they know why they are serving. Oh, and the brochures are better.

That thought intrigues me, perhaps I will write an article comparing the military to the Goreans. I've never met any Goreans, but I have read Wikipedia about them. Wikipedia can't be wrong, can it? "Master Sam wants *you*!"

Lost in thought and IMing my friend about how unbelievable that conversation was, the soldier interrupted with, "Would you like an application to join?"

"Sure, that'd be interesting."

I still have it. Just in case I want to join and have my own personal rendition of the "Private Benjamin" movie.

Remember what I said about rules not applying to me? Looking around, I see a few people inside the base that have higher ranking tags than private, so I tell the soldier I'm going to go talk to them. And I walk into the base. Unchallenged. You get what you pay for. I get my friend in my saying, "don't worry, he's alright, he's with me." The I.Q. portion of the application form must be optional.

The same scenario plays out with the sergeant and lieutenant inside the base that I run into. They really don't know who they are fighting against, but they are certain they get to fly "cool planes". Well, after they've been promoted and trained more, but eventually they will be able to fly the cool planes. The poor lieutenant had been in the Alliance Navy for over a month and still hadn't played with the "cool planes" yet.

They obviously couldn't give me a ride in the "cool planes", so I asked who could. The Colonel could. Take me to your leader. A long discussion ensues in which I use my, not inconsiderable, charms to attempt to gain access to the Colonel. The final determination was that they weren't going to give me access to the inner base to see the Colonel and neither of them had the authority to go and ask the Colonel if I could see him, leaving the inner gate unguarded.

Did I mention that one of them was a furry? How did that make it past the "don't ask, don't tell" part of the induction. She was lesbian as well, as the names of all her *other* groups besides the Alliance Navy attested to. At least they are an equal opportunity military. I wonder if the giant cartoon penis avatar would be admitted.

I also forgot to mention both of them had initiated IM conversations with me to arrange assignations. Even "tit for tat", where "tat" was access to the inner base and "tit" was, well "tit" didn't get me access.

"How much are they paying you?" was must natural question.

"Nothing," but they were much more firm in their resolve to keep me out, unlike the private at the front gate.

They were giving up sex now for the possibility of flying a "cool plane" in the future. All I can say is they must be *really* cool planes.

"Do the guns work?" I asked.

"Yes, want me to shoot something," came the answer from one of nature's born soldiers.

"Oh, and we get grenades too," interjected the other one, not wanting to be out-done in the "try to impress the sexy girl with all my cool gadgets" competition.

No planes yet, but they do get ordinance.

"Sure, show me."

Whereupon they shoot and lob grenades at my friend.

Later he asked, "Why didn't they shoot you?"

"Did either of them IM you for sex?" I replied.

P.S. I believe SL Insider is right about their recruiting video, portions of it do look like a dance party.

Virtual calisthenics to get your prims in shape...

6 comments:

Wrath said...

One of thee most hilarious and well-written anecdotes about SL I have ever read!! Instant classic. Robert Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll pee sitting down - this article has it all! Richard Roeper, Ebert & Roeper

A must-read for all of those who can! Reading is Fundamental literature circa 1982

Troops working for free, you say? Tell them I have a mission in Iraq which could really use more soldiers such as themselves... US Military Commander-in-Chief who wishes to remain anonymous, but wanted to give a shout out to his twin daughters Barbara and Jenna

You had me at "I Love Sailors"... Clean cut guy working out at the YMCA

You had me at "How much are they paying you?" Random homeless guy on the street

You "had me" at "secluded hot tub" Satisfied client


Hope your week has gotten considerably better than your post from last Saturday, Tiessa.
At least you seem to have retained your remarkable sense of humour. :-)

Tiessa said...

Wow, thanks for the tremendous feedback, its making me blush in Real Life. I think your comment is funnier than the post.

If you contact me in Second Life, I'll give you a big kiss for such a nice comment. If ten people all contact me saying they are wrath and asking for a kiss, I'll give you all kisses, because it meant you read my blog.

Wrath said...

I hesitated at being the first to post a comment to any of your blog posts, as I didn't want to draw attention away from the entertaining material you had already provided us, but for some reason, I just HAD to tell you how enjoyable that one particular story was!! Couldn't stop smiling the whole way through!
:-) <-- See? Still smiling just thinking about it.

And couldn't help wonder why I don't end up having such amusing moments with my SL experience.... :-(


Oh wait, remember that part where you said:

Whereupon they shoot and lob grenades at my friend.
Later he asked, "Why didn't they shoot you?"
"Did either of them IM you for sex?" I replied.



Needless to say, I'm right back to laughing again, Tiessa - so thank you. ;-)

Tiessa said...

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as amusing situations go. I've been working on my "memoirs" before I decided to start a blog, as soon as I can edit the "chapters" into better shape, I will begin posting them.

I'd also like to provide pictures :)

Judge Hocho said...

I have to admit, I found your missive humorous albeit at our expense.
I *am* the Colonel of which they spoke; you see I run the Air Division of the Alliance Navy.
The problem with providing you a ride is, we have only one aircraft in my division with more than a single seat; a troop transport carrier which I fear it would not live up to expectations, grandiose as they seem to be.

It's always a gem to find the newest recruits manning the gate at Tethys sim. I think they decide to do that on their own, as before they are exposed to policies and procedures via orientation training, they can be rather 'green' and full of gumption.

I think I will have to address that with training division to ensure new recruits are counseled on their roles as new members.

If by chance, you wish an opportunity to speak with an officer of the Alliance Navy to discern our motivation, I could arrange such.

I promise no one will try to impress you with random gadgetry.

For the record, the secluded hot tub, is not part of AN owned land -- that is someone else's idea of irony.

As for the troops working for free ... I fail to see how that is an absurd thought, especially with regard to Second Life. What they gain is a sense of purpose and a little education in self-discipline. The structure is constructed such that each member attains a position in accordance with their own initiative; positive and proactive members are promoted and are therefore able to effect greater change.

Oh and the rules, most certainly *do* apply to you my dear -- as they do to anyone.

Cheers.

//Judge Hocho, Lt. Col. AN AD Wing Commander

Tiessa said...

Thank you for the reply Judge, I know the fundamental gung-ho nature of new recruits, most of my family has been in the military.

I'm not questioning the motives of the group as a whole, merely the uninformed nature of the new recruits.

And actually, I would like a ride around, even if it is only a troop transport. I'm fascinated by what you've built and the organization you've put together.

And don't get me wrong, random gadgetry does impress me most times :)