Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Mission Specialist Bambi And Her Amazing Pneumatic Space Sex Toys

Veyron has a link to a hysterical article about sex in space on her blog. A copy of her excerpt:

US and Russian
astronauts have had sex in space for separate research programmes on
how human beings might survive years in orbit, according to a book
published yesterday.

Pierre Kohler, a respected French scientific writer, says in The
Final Mission: Mir, The Human Adventure that the subject is taboo both
at Nasa [sic] and at mission control in Moscow, but that cosmic couplings
have taken place.

“The issue of sex in space is a serious one,” he says. “The
experiments carried out so far relate to missions planned for married
couples on the future International Space Station, the successor to
Mir. Scientists need to know how far sexual relations are possible
without gravity.”

He cites a confidential Nasa [sic] report on a space shuttle mission in
1996. A project codenamed STS-XX was to explore sexual positions
possible in a weightless atmosphere.

Twenty positions were tested by computer simulation to obtain the
best 10, he says. “Two guinea pigs then tested them in real
zero-gravity conditions. The results were videotaped but are considered
so sensitive that even Nasa [sic] was only given a censored version.”

Only four positions were found possible without “mechanical
assistance”. The other six needed a special elastic belt and inflatable
tunnel, like an open-ended sleeping bag.

Mr Kohler says: “One of the principal findings was that the classic
so-called missionary position, which is so easy on earth when gravity
pushes one downwards, is simply not possible.”

This is priceless. I wonder how they convinced the guinea pigs to try those 10 positions :) I can see "serious scientists in lab coats" rigging up miniature sex harnesses to the guinea pigs and then saying in a stern voice, "now this time, no playing around, I want you to test the missionary position, not Kama Sutra position #712. That position is not one of the 'official' ones we are testing on this flight. Get serious you two, you are astronauts, not rodents." Followed by little rodent giggles as they go off to have wild, kinky rodent sex in harnesses while inside an inflatable tunnel.

My mind boggles at all of the questions this article raises. For example, how do I get a government paid job to write software to simulate sexual positions in space? That must be one of the wackier job descriptions, "Must have experience in physical simulation using 3D software and an intense interest in sex." How did they get that by HR?

What other "mechanical assistance" devices did they simulate? And how did they think of an inflatable tunnel as one of them? "Well, Sir, last night I was up late doing some, ah, 'research' on the Internet with regards to, ah, 'possible mechanical devices for aiding in engineering human to human coupling and interlocking in zero gravity', and I, ah, 'chanced' upon a website dedicated to, ah, 'human restraint in procreative and non-motile scenarios'. Then purely out of, ah, 'scientific curiosity', I downloaded all of the pictures on it, so I could do some, ah, 'in-depth analysis', and I saw a few things that might be the key to, ah, 'facilitating...', ah, um... Sir, permission to speak without euphemism?" "Just one question first Johnson. How much of this 'research' was done with your pants down around your ankles?" Looking abashed, Johnson answers, "all of it Sir."

Don't even get me started on how their "principal finding" was about the missionary position. I would love to read the research grant proposal for that one.

Also, it gives new meaning to the words, "Mission Specialist" Not to be confused with the words, "Missionary Specialist," which is evidently an untenable position.

I can imagine the pre-flight press interview... "I'm Smith from the Associated Press, and I have a question for Mission Specialist, ah, 'Bambi' is it? The press hand-out regarding your background is very short and very vague, your title is 'Research Assistant' and your background states that you have, ah, '... significant professional experience of vital importance to the mission.' But it never states what that experience is, can you provide more details?" Bambi, smacking her gum and twirling a finger in her bleached platinum blond hair, replies, "uh, what the heck did all that mean?" "What are you good at miss?" "Why didn't you just say that, handsome?" she smiles and bats her eyelashes at the suddenly uncomfortable reporter who has to sit down quickly and adjust his pants. "That's easy, I give great head, I'm double jointed, I don't get motion sick during sex, and I ride rockets every night," she giggles at her own joke. "Although, I am charging extra for the straps, inflatable tunnels, and the guinea pigs - that's kinky even by my standards. It has been great working with all of the guys down in the research department these past weeks, there were many long, sleepless nights spent rehearsing all of the astronauts I'm to do in space, oh wait, I was supposed to say, 'tasks that I'm to do in space,'" she says while using exaggerated "air quotes". "We plan to have a lot of fun on this mission, right Tiger," she ends winking at the, now blushing, Mission Commander.

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