Tuesday, December 18, 2007

And Now For Something Completely Different...

A small break from everything you wanted to know about sex and the single Second Life girl...

You either love British humor, or you don't. Be forewarned, if you don't like British humor, don't read this post, go here instead, you'll be much happier.

From the daily mash, a site that makes The Onion look like it was written by boring 4-year olds, comes the following artitle:


A TOTALLY humongous rat has been discovered in a really remote part of New Guinea by some freaked-out zoologists.

A team of scientists from Conservation International spotted the absolutely mental thing while up to their knees in all kinds of crap in the Foja mountains.

Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fucking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, 'Dave, look at the size of that fucker!' and Dave was like, 'Jesus Christ, it's a fucking monster!


Professor Hayes added: "Ben was like, 'that's a rat, it's totally a rat' and I was going, 'naah, it's some kind of freaky beaver or a weird-looking, fucked-up cat.'"

Dr David Hobbs added: "I was like, 'that's a mutant otter or something, it's bigger than my dog, for Christ's sake' and Wayne was saying we should catch it, and I was like, 'you fucking catch it'.

"So anyway, we tell Stevie that it's his turn to catch something and he's like totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, 'come here you dirty big bastard, I want to take your picture'."

Dr Steven McKay added: "We also trapped this manky little thing with huge eyes which they reckon is maybe a possum or a really big gerbil.

I know, this isn't the most erudite humor around, but it tickles my funny bone for a couple of reasons. I used to watch nature shows on PBS when I was growing up and the thought of Sir David Attenborough creeping through the jungles in the Foja mountains, parting the leaves of some big plant, turning to the camera, and saying in hushed tones, "Ahh, the elusive Big Fucking Rat, a rare sight indeed." That image makes me giggle uncontrollably, the people around me on the bus must think I'm insane.

I also vaguely remember a few "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" episodes from when I was really little and I remember the host, Marlin Perkins, would be talking all about how deadly some creature was and then he'd turn to Jim Fowler and say something like, "Even though the much feared man-eating Bengal tiger can rend a man limb from limb in seconds, Jim here is going to go up to it, pull on its tail so you can hear it roar, a roar that sends chills to the hearts of man. Then, he will put his head in its mouth so you can see the teeth that can crush a man's skull in an instant." Poor Jim would then dutifully go and perform whatever insane stunt Marlin would assign him. I often wondered why Marlin hated Jim so much.

If he survived, I can just hear someone saying to him, "Lucky."

Well, to reward everyone who read through this entire post of my prattling, I will give the first one who answers the following question correctly with a long kiss and a quick fondle in the back of a dark theatre.

From my one of my favorite pieces by the same authors who brought you the title of this post, who would turn and say "Lucky" to Jim if he survived the insane instructions Marlin gave him? It's a bit obscure, but it never fails to make me laugh because of the absurdity of the situation. If no one gets it, I'll eventually tell you, but then, no cookie for you.

1 comment:

Dalien said...

What was the exact phrasing ? just "Lucky" or "Fuckin' lucky!" ?

If the latter, I'm pretty sure it should be Dr David Hobbs.

If the first - then it's got to be the Bengal tiger.